Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

What Recession? Tourists Swarm Big Apple

In Economy, Uncategorized on November 25, 2008 at 12:15 am

Is it possible that the much ballyhooed recession has yet to arrive?

Travel industry insiders report “unprecedented” numbers of Americans flocking to New York City for the long  holiday weekend.  Bookings for large groups [of 20 or more] are reported to have reached numbers tripling the previous high set during the Shriners’ 75th Anniversary celebration in 1997.  Hotels from Harlem to the Financial District are sold out, and tent cities have reportedly sprung up in city parks and even vacant lots.

Crowd gathers before tour of financial district.

Crowd gathers before tour of financial district.

Many are apparently bargain hunters taking advantage not only of New York’s diverse marketplace but also the multitude of retailers discounting everything from sporting goods to plumbing supplies in order to get an early jump on their holiday shopping.  “We were expecting a slowdown,” said Liam Toomey, manager of The Home Depot on West 23rd Street. “Not only did we not get one, but I’m predicting record numbers for this location.”  A variety of items from many areas of the store are flying off the shelves faster than workers can re-stock them — items as diverse as crowbars, chain saws, plumbing pipe, shovels, hatchets, butcher’s utensils, rags, glass bottles and jars, flashlights and “every flammable liquid we carry,” according to Mr. Toomey, “and Sterno — lots and lots of Sterno.”

His sentiments were echoed by Richard Polyn of The Sports Authority.  “We’ve had to send to other areas for many popular items,” he said. “Most of our city locations are totally out of things like baseball bats, hockey sticks, helmets of every kind, and various camping supplies — especially lanterns, fire wood, and tent spikes and mallets.  I don’t recall ever seeing so many people buying tent spikes without buying tents.  I guess it’s something a lot of campers forget to pack.  There’s also not a slingshot, golf club, or bow and arrow to be had.”

And many tourists plan to do some sightseeing as well.  Mary Travers, head of the City Tourism Board, reported that the Board’s offices have literally been flooded with calls in recent days by tourists seeking travel directions to places like the stock exchanges and even various corporate headquarters.

City Hall spokesperson Eileen O’Sullivan said the Mayor and other city officials “couldn’t be happier to see such renewed interest by so many of our friends from around the country in coming back to New York.  This will be our biggest weekend since before the September 11 attacks, and with all the jobs being lost here, it couldn’t have come at a more opportune time.”  Ms. O’Sullivan added that she is “extremely disappointed” that she won’t be around to “share the love that always seems to shine through at times like this,” but added that many friends and family from other parts of the country “literally were pleading with me to get out of town for the weekend.”


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NAACP Names President Bush “Man of the Century”

In Uncategorized on November 6, 2008 at 11:56 am

The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, which will celebrate its centennial anniversary in 2009, will mark the occasion will a gala event honoring their newly announced “Man of the Century,” President George W. Bush.

“No one person in the history of our nation has done so much in so short a time to bring about positive change in the people’s perception of race,” proclaimed NAACP President Benjamin Todd Jealous. “Eight years ago, the possibility of a person of color attaining the highest office in our land still seemed an improbable dream. Today it is a reality, thanks almost entirely to the Bush Presidency.”

President Bush “shattered stereotypes on many levels” according to Mr. Jealous, “from his equal treatment of incompetent officials regardless of race to his physical resemblance to a chimpanzee… When you take a ‘bird’s eye’ look at the Bush Administration overall, you will see the inescapable confluence of factors that led to the country embracing an African-American candidate. He is, indeed, ‘the President I’d like to have a malt liquor with’.”

President-Elect Obama, when told of the honor to be bestowed upon his predecessor, was quick to add his own words of praise. “There is no doubt in my mind that if George W. Bush had never been elected President, I would not be in the position I’m in today. I strongly believe that history will show future generations will derive inspiration from the Bush legacy. Regardless of gender, regardless of race, regardless of background, whether they fly on private jets to exclusive prep schools or ride on the shortest buses to local public schools, children who learn of President Bush and what he has done in these eight short years will believe in the American Dream, believe that even they can grow up to be President.”

President Bush reacted with both surprise and enthusiasm when told of the gala in his honor to be held next April in Montgomery, Alabama. This is a great honor, and I am humbled to have even been considered. And how appropriate that the Cemeterial Anniversary of this great organization will be marked in the same city where that wonderfully courageous colored lady copped an attitude on that bus. I look forward to visiting our great state of Alabama. George Wallace was born there you know. Except for quick campaign stops, I’ve never spent any time there – oh yeah, except of course for when I was in the Air National Guard.”

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Bill O’Reilly Endorses Barack Obama

In Uncategorized on November 3, 2008 at 1:21 pm

Cites “Professional Reasons”

First came Warren Buffett, then Colin Powell. Now add Fox News Channel host and commentator Bill O’Reilly to the growing list of prominent Americans coming out in support of Senator Barack Obama’s historic Presidential bid.

“I want to make sure there are no mixed signals here,” said Mr. O’Reilly during his brief announcement, “I totally believe that Barack Obama is an Eastern, Ivy League, elite socialist Muslim who for 20 years attended a radical Black Militant church and hangs around with terrorists and anti-Semites. If he carries Arizona, I will certainly go so far as to accuse him of being the Antichrist. But as any viewer of my show already knows, what’s best for America is not exactly at the top of my priority list. The best candidate for Papa Bear, the best candidate for Fox News, is Barack Obama.”

Smiling and winking at one of his female producers, he continued, “For the last eight years, I, as well as everyone else at Fox, have had to shill for a bunch of buffoons that an even bigger bunch of idiots, just far enough to our left to be palatable to the public, managed to get elected… Having to go to work every day knowing you have to fill an hour of airtime defending the indefensible wears you out. We deserve, nay, we have earned an Obama Presidency. Having an Elitist Pinko Muslim Terrorist in the White House – that’s change I can believe in. And the icing on the cake? We’ll get to abuse a black man on national TV for four years, eight God willing, and not be condemned by the liberal media as racists. Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.”

When asked by a reporter if he believed his endorsement might affect the outcome of a tightening race, Mr. O’Reilly responded, “Well, when you consider the number of automatons walking around this country every day blindly repeating every sound I uttered on the previous night’s show, including the farts, I guess I’d have to say ‘absolutely’.”

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